Page 66 - Dark Matter Issue5 Part II

Limping into her apartment, I took one look at her soft, beautiful face, and fell apart, my

body wracked with sobs. Dale reached for me, pulling me to her, and held me close. “I

love you. I love you, shush now, there, there. I love you,” she murmured over and over.

“I want you to know that and believe it.” She held me, rocking me close for what seemed

like hours. I wanted to melt into her body and never leave its soft, warm contours. As she

cradled my head, gently patting my matted, greasy hair, I momentarily cringed from

embarrassment. She seemed not to notice. I sobbed as I begged her not to leave me.

She gently sat me up and held me by the shoulders, looking straight into my eyes. I

looked down and away. She tenderly lifted my chin as she said, “This is very important,

look at me as I tell you, I want you to remember it. I love you. I wish you were my little

girl so that I could take you with me, but I can’t because you’re not mine. You must learn

to take better care of yourself, because your mother is sick and can’t take good care of

you. I love you and I’ll always keep you in my heart.” She pointed to her heart. “Right

here.”

Tears spilled onto her cheeks. I was speechless. Tentatively, I touched a tear, bringing it

up to my lips and kissing it—the most precious thing I had ever been given. We cried

together as she cradled me again. She smelled fresh and clean, her soft voice

comforted me. “You have to reach out and trust others like me.” She made me promise

that I would. “It will be okay. You’ll be okay.” Something deep inside unfurled and came

alive, filling me to overflowing. Love. It permeated every starving and hurt cell, organ,

and muscle in my body. It held the smell of her violet rose-scented neck; her voice and

her loving touch woke something so deep in me, I knew I would never be the same.

Dale gently kissed my forehead and cheek as we said our last goodbyes. I looked into

her eyes and again promised that I would never forget. With the tentativeness of an

infant taking her first steps I whispered, “I love you, Dale. I’ll always keep you here, too,”

as I pointed to my own heart.

I learned in those moments that love, this pure, unconditional state, was as essential to

life as food and shelter. It filled me with purpose and energy. It felt holy. For the first time

in my life, I felt I not only deserved to be alive, I knew why I was alive. For this: To

accept, feel and learn to receive love and learn how to give it.