Page 194 - Dark Matter Issue5 Part II

“Now can I tell you the truth about why I am so sick?”

Upon waking, the dream lodges in my body, as real as a waking event or memory of

one, and when I tell it, I am undone. The faces of the children, the searching eyes of the

old woman, and her husband’s broken spirit assert themselves, and I cannot wipe them

away.

This dream comes post-election, amid travels bans, increased deportations, a worldwide

refugee crisis, and a proposed healthcare bill that may potentially create dire

circumstances for millions of Americans. It wants my attention. It magnifies the stakes

and impact of what it wants me to see and understand. It challenges the stories I tell

myself about the kind of person I am, upending my sense of righteousness by holding up

a mirror too big to ignore, urging me to ask and answer: Who or what suffers so that I

can feel safe and comfortable and enjoy countless conveniences? To what do I close my

eyes and heart because helping asks more of me than I am willing to give? When do I

silence myself from speaking out against something I know is wrong? How many

seemingly “minor” betrayals might add up to the moral equivalent of abandoning a truck

full of trafficking victims? And, lest I get stuck in a paralyzing vortex of self-scrutiny and

blame: What actions will I take, however seemingly small or insignificant, to become

trustworthy?

More than ever, these questions seem urgent and worthy of exploration, given how high

and how fast the stakes have risen for so much that was already in jeopardy.

Taken together, these dreams illustrate silencing, both externally and internally imposed.

In addition, they expose the illusion of safety and make clear that speaking and silence,

action and inaction – all come with risks and consequences. The question for this

dreamer is not which choice poses the greatest threat to her personal safety, but which

choice will keep her humanity intact.

In both dreams, the key to the truth is in the body. In the first, it is secreted away under

the woman’s tongue. Tongue is the organ of speech; it is also another word for