Page 190 - Dark Matter Issue5 Part II

SHARON ENGLISH

Nourishing the Future

In my dream, I’m walking on a trail by the river Thames in London, ON, near the neighbourhood

where I grew up. I enter the ravine, moving into the woods, and find myself at place I know well

where the river bends. The current’s powerful here, and on the opposite bank rises a sandy cliff

full of swallows’ nests. I swim across, emerging on a ribbon of sand at the cliff’s base. Suddenly,

I’m naked. I roll in the sand vigorously, really getting it into my skin and hair. Then I lie back,

waiting.

A rope or belt, interwoven with shells, comes up from the ground and hooks me by the neck,

hard. I resist briefly, instinctively, then surrender, and am pulled into the earth. It’s utterly dark,

and for a while I see and feel nothing but the rope now loosely about me. Then a place appears,

dimly in the distance: a small beach against a rock face with a cave opening there and a little

fire burning before it. It’s night. I come and sit by the fire. I can sense water close by, though can

see nothing but my immediate surroundings and stars overhead. The white sand is fine and

cool. All is still. I feel like I’m in a spirit world, or our world long ago.

I lie down, thinking to sleep. A crab emerges from the sand and crawls onto me. Though briefly

unnerved, I accept it. Then many crabs emerge. They crawl all over me—and they begin to eat

me.

This happens fast and slow. My awareness is focused on them: their eyes glinting in the

moonlight, their delicate legs, their smooth hard backs and strange claws. I’m a floating

awareness now; I’ve become food to nourish them. They eat neatly, until everything is gone and

only my clothing and bones remain. All of this feels utterly holy: a great, spiritual event.

The crabs disperse, some toward the unseen water and some nearer to the cave, where they

lay eggs in the sand. Disembodied, I observe, aware that I ‘am’ the crabs now and that I’m

making possible the next generation of crabs. This feels totally right.

I find myself crossing the Thames River again—but the I who emerges on shore is not the same

person. I feel distinctively other. I’m barefoot now, and wearing a long blue dress interwoven

with shells, with shells adorning my hair. I feel beautiful.