Page 202 - Dark Matter Women Witnessing

My knees once again went weak as my gaze came to rest on his body in repose, but

this time, it was with shock and sorrow. Just two hours earlier, he had purred when I

kissed him goodbye before leaving to meet a friend for coffee.

He was stretched out long, lying on his side, in the same position as the opening of the

dream. His hips and hind legs were on his favorite blue mat, while the rest of him was

on the hardwood floor. It might as well have been cement; I prayed that by the time his

ear reached the ground he was gone, for there were no leaves to cushion his fall.

The breath I loved to watch rise and fall beneath his honey-colored coat had left him.

His bladder had emptied, and his mouth was open – perhaps in surprise –his cheek and

chin wet with saliva. His green-gold eyes were partially open, and unlike humans, it’s

almost impossible to close a cat’s eyelids after death.

Even with the life gone out of him, I could not resist the urge to touch him, to pour all my

love into him. I sunk to my knees, then turned myself to curl my chest and belly against

his back for the last time. Sobbing into his neck, I could still smell the flowery shampoo

the groomer had used on him a month earlier. Each of his great paws was nearly as

large as my palm. I took his right front paw in my hand and massaged it, feeling the

smooth pads, once petal pink, now leeched of their color. I stroked the long, silky fur

between his toes, and I allowed my heart to break.

Once I had gathered myself enough to do so, I filled a bowl with warm soapy water. I

thought of my elder women friends who have bathed the bodies of their loved ones

immediately after death. I washed the saliva from his face, noticing that his tongue had

taken on a lavender hue and lay to one side of his mouth. When I leaned in close to kiss

him and whisper my love, I could smell the kibbles he ate for breakfast and a faint briny-

ness beneath. I cleaned between his stiffening legs and beneath his tail. As I worked, I

recalled the times he had trusted me enough to be utterly vulnerable with me: clipping

mats from his belly and private places, helping him get clean after an “accident” that